Safe

I have a hard time thinking about safety, when I live in fear. How strange is it that I find it easier to talk about my problems than the comfort of the solution? Story of my life. Well, it's time to settle in to a comfortable position and let the solution into my soul. When I hear the word safety, there is a vision in my mind of warmth...right away.

I know that I feel safe when I get a hug...the warmth wraps itself around me.

I know that I feel safe when I am writing....the truth of the words lights up my soul.

I know that I feel safe when I talk to God....the belief warms my heart.

I know that I feel safe when someone understands....the unity turns from a double flame to one.

I know that I feel safe when my son says "I love you Mom"....the bond makes for the walls to melt a little.

Writing this had made me realize that I do have times that I feel safe....Sometimes when I can't see the warmth, the chill seeps into my bones. It's good to see and feel the safety.

My soul seems a little warmer this evening...

There are angels watching the earth tonight and I feel like my personal one has stopped by to remind me that there is warmth all around me if I open my eyes to see it.

I'm just saying......

Shadows

How do I reach out for the hand to walk through the fear

Cause today I am struggling to see the girl in the mirror

The loss of her presence is making my soul slightly disappear

Little by little it washes away like the shadows underneath a pier

Do I trust that she will still be there after taking the walk

Cause the path through the fear requires starting to talk

Afraid others will leave keeps her in this box tightly locked

Waiting of course until shadows fade after leaving the dock

This pain is just too real...

You awake another night.

Cause that face comes into light.

The visits become more frequent.

It's like he knows your secrets.

You seach for that door in your mind.

To leave the world behind.

The door is locked with chains.

And this room is filled with pain.

You need someone's guidance.

Cause your cries are in silence.

You beg for relief.

While you stand in your belief.

However he won't go.

Cause he is the one who knows.

For every minute you will feel.

This pain is just too real...

Beyond your belief!

When I first started on this journey 41 years ago, the road was smooth. It seemed paved with gold. The trees that lined the pathway were dripping in sunlight, my soul was full. It was pink in color, full of love and happiness.



Over the years, I would walk down lonely paths, paths that seemed to be dark, with cold rain hitting my face, the wind whipping my hair, and sounds that were haunting my soul. I kept trying to run, run towards the sunlight. The branches were reaching out, as if they had arms, arms that were winding around me with a tight grip. The path was moving, but moving in reverse so that I couldn't feel the warmth. I wandered around, lost, lonely, angry of where I was and who I became until I finally reached a body of water. On the other side of the water was the pathway, the sunlight, the love, the happiness. I tried to swim across... I swam fast as the other side kept whispering my name...like I belonged there. The voice was strong at first. but became weak as the days swept by. Every time I would try to cross the lake it would suck me in, drowning me. I couldn't breathe...it was all around me. The darkness engulfed me. I felt like I could never get away...never.

Until I heard a beautiful voice say...build...build. It was something so easy but I couldn't see it. I suspended my disbelief. I opened my eyes to see the truth. I would build a bridge, a bridge to get to the treasured side. The bridge was built over time with honesty, hope, faith, courage, integrity, willingness, humility, love, discipline, perseverance, spiritual awareness, and service.

I am starting to walk across. My legs are weak, my muscles ache, I can barely catch my breath...but I keep trying, I keep trying. I can see the gold, it is blinding my eyes, the sunlight is keeping me warm. I keep trying... I keep trying.

I get to the end of the bridge and see a set of steps...twelve steps that will get me to the treasured pathway. The one where my soul will be pink again, full of happiness. The one where I will feel arms around me, but they will be filled with love...love and peace. I want this, I want it so bad that I start to weep. I hear the voice say " I'm here, just try...just try". So I reach my foot out to put it on the 1st step, but I am terrified, terrified that I will fail, that I can't do it. I won't be able to reach the top. I'm too tired, too weak. Suddenly, I feel a hand, a hand that feels strong. It feels trusting. I grab on, with everything in me, I grab on.

As long as I keep holding the hand, I can take each step. I don't feel alone. I finally got to the top! I made it! It was warm, I covered my eyes in disbelief. I couldn't believe that this really existed. There is freedom here, freedom from the darkness.

May your journey be filled with treasures beyond your belief... beyond your belief.

I'm just saying...

Stop the Silence

The silence used to be soothing, it used to be comforting, it used to be mine. I swallowed it, I controlled it, I used it. Silence is a weapon, a weapon that I was not scared of. For once in my life, I was the one who made the decision, I was the one in Power, I was the one who controlled the switch. No one could tell me what to do with it, it was my choice, and I had lost the choice a long time ago, so it felt good.

Today, I realize that I was using the silence in the wrong way. Just like others who use weapons in a hurtful manner, I was doing the same. My silence showed others that this was the way to get through life, this was the way to survive, this was the way.

I was raped more than once after I turned 5. Sure, it was and still is the most humiliating, frightening, shameful, embarrassing, event that has ever happen to me. I live my life with nightmares and flashbacks. I live my life in fear. I live my life in shame.

However; after I stopped the silence, I live my life with shame but with my head held a little higher than before (I'm still learning). I live my life with a sense of belonging, I live my life with a sense of fear, not filled with fear.

I don't want to teach others that the way to healing is by putting your secrets in a box, locking the chains on it and wrapping the barb wire around and around until the denial sets in.

I used to be afraid to be in a relationship because I knew "he" would never understand, "he" would never want to be with me if he knew, "he" would think that I was damaged goods, "he" would realize that I was unlovable. I used drugs and alcohol so that I could be in that relationship. I used to want someone to rescue me, now I realize that what I have needed to do all along is rescue myself. The way to healing is by speaking out, helping others, and finding that someone who will listen.

I am no longer a victim, I'm a survivor.

I'm just saying......

****For your information****

1 out of 3 women will be sexually assaulted
Every 2 minutes a sexual assault occurs
April is Sexual Assault Awareness & Prevention Month
Please speak out!
STOP THE SILENCE!

Launch of the season for baseball, folks!

Tomorrow it all begins.

This day brings me such happiness.

I am completely obsessed with baseball and I am not afraid to admit it.
It renders me utterly powerless and yes, on occasion, my life becomes unmanageable because of it.

Baseball has brought so much to my life. When I was deep in my addiction with drugs and alcohol, it was something that I enjoyed. Now granted, it took a lot for me to actually enjoy an event at this time in my life, but this, I truly did. No matter how bad my nightmare was the night before, it was like the game just took it away. I got lost in the movement of the ball. I got lost in the action of the player. I got lost in something greater than myself. (there's a concept!)

I will need to work the 12 steps on baseball this season but in an edited way, perhaps. Lol

That's me, taking my will back.

Ok, first things first. Here is how I will apply the spiritual principals behind the steps to my addiction with baseball.

1. Honesty is the principal behind the 1st step.
I will be honest with myself and others as to how many games I will be watching.
(hint...all of them)

2. Hope is the principal behind the 2nd step.
I will have hope that the Minnesota Twins will continue on their journey all season to
win the American League Central Division Title.

3. Faith is the principal behind the 3rd step.
I will have faith that I can make meetings and watch games everyday!

4. Courage is the principal behind the 4th step.
I will have the courage to watch the hardships that we (Twins) have along the way.
Ripping my fingers away from my face as I cover my eyes in utter dismay.

5. Integrity is the principal behind the 5th step.
I will show integrity to Yankee and White Sox fans when we play each other.

6. Willingness is the principal behind the 6th step.
I will show willingness to show integrity to the Yankee and White Sox fans.
(I like this one better)

7. Humility is the principal behind the 7th step.
If all else fails, go back to step 6.
Progress not perfection, people!

8. Love is the principal behind the 8th step.
I will show all the love, everyday, to my Minnesota Twins!

9. Discipline is the principal behind the 9th step.
Oh.....let me tell you, I definately have this step down. I am very disciplined when it
comes to my boys.

10. Perseverance is the principal behind the 10th step.
I think we all know that I have enough spunk to make this all happen.

11. Spiritual Awareness is the principal behind the 11th step.
I will add the Minnesota Twins and of course, other selective teams, to my prayers and
meditation that I do on a daily basis.

12. Service to others is the principal behind the 12th step.
I will commit to carry the message to others that BASEBALL ROCKS, YA'LL!

**By the way, that pic up there is Joe Mauer, he's a hometown boy!** Love him!

IT'S OPENING DAY!!!

I'm just saying.....

Angels in Training

This is a story of two little angels who lost their souls long ago. Growing up Ruth and Sandie had lots of laughter together.....riding horses and Saint Bernard's, driving home-made go-carts, getting stuck in the creek, skipping rocks, riding bikes, cleaning the playhouse, making cookies with grandma, climbing trees, milking cows, making forts in the hay barn.



Then it changed. The day their innocence was lost. The bottom of the two little angels souls fell out and everything went dark. They no longer had smiles, they wore masks. Masks that didn't fit right, like they weren't the ones that they were suppose to be wearing. These masks carried fear, anger, resentment, self-pity, panic. There was no longer love available to see, the fog was starting to come in strong. That day happened over and over again until the two little angels became numb. Numb to the feeling of what life and love really is.



Confusion, pain, and self-loathing continued in their lives for years. Taking them to places they never knew existed. Addiction took over, trying to help them survive. Survive life. Nightmares, flashbacks, grief, abandonment overwhelmed them. No longer was it an easy task just to take a breath. They could feel the cold darkness touch their skin.

As they got older, one of these angels finally chose to talk about these days in the past, letting the pain and addiction out, and begin the process of healing. The mask is starting to come off, little by little. Sure, sometimes it goes back on but only for small periods of time, when she is really scared. God is there teaching her that the mask eventually has to come all the way off, at all times. He holds her hand and walks her through that fear, pushing the ghosts aside as they try to reach out to her.

The other angel wanted this new life so bad but God had a different plan for her. He thought that her work needed to start right away, up above with him. So he took her away a couple of nights ago and put her in training. She will be watching over all of the little angels now to let them know that they are not alone. Letting them know that we are all angels....angels in training.

I'm just saying.......