Obsession

Where do I start? Today has not been a good day. First things first, my sponsor has some major things going on in her life which may lead to me not having a sponsor and I'm scared. I become obsessed with the fear.

This girl at work today shows up with a broken leg. I am talking with her and commenting on how well she is doing with the pain and how hard it was for me, the first couple of days. She says "Oh, I'm on Vicodin!" I couldn't breathe, I found myself obsessing about it all day. It made me soooo angry at myself. Why am I having these thoughts? I have been sober for almost a year. What am I doing wrong?

Then I have a roommate who is moving back in, now this roommate, has in the past, been mean to me. She has said very hurtful things to me and frankly, I don't want to live with her. So, I become obsessed with trying to avoid the situation.

It's like all of those feelings came back. Feelings of not being loved, feelings of losing everything that I have gained, feelings of loneliness, feelings of dispair, feelings of ungratefulness, feelings of hate for myself, feelings of hate for my rapist, feelings of hate for my family. Do I really hate these people, places, and things? No, I honestly don't, but my disease (dis-ease) tells me that I do. It haunts me and knows just when my soul is at its weakest and then it strikes, like a sword, straight through my heart.

I feel the butterflies in my stomach, I want to run away from all my problems. I want to bury my head in my hands, I want to forget everything, I want to use. However, today I know that I have a choice. I can give in to that obsession and feed it everything it wants or I can stand up for myself and say NO! I am not going to do this. I am going to do everything in my power to not use. I am going to call supports, I am going to pray to the God of my understanding, I am going to go to a meeting, I am going to not isolate, I am going to journal (blog) about how I am feeling. I am going to walk through these ugly, horrible, scary, overpowering, feelings and realize that just for this moment I don't have to use. I can get through this, right? RIGHT!

I'm just saying.....

Fear

My disease is crying out in the middle of the night for some attention. The haunting sounds are scary, they remind me of what once was. I fear that if I give it attention it will grow and if I ignore it, the bottom of my soul will give way letting it seep through my body. My knees are starting to quiver, my hands they shake, my heart races as I close my eyes. This is the moment that I realize that I (little old me) has the POWER to open my eyes, face the fear, put my arms out and let the sunshine rush in, overpowering those thoughts, turning darkness into light.

I'm just saying.....

Life in my hands

Today I was thinking that I am proud that I have my life in my hands. I used to give it freely away. Letting others make my decisions for me, pleasing everyone instead of me, using my disease and health as a crutch.

My relationship with God has made me so much stronger. He carries me over the bumps and cracks in the road. Grandma always said he would and I am very grateful that I finally see that on a daily basis.

There are ghosts that stop by every now and then to visit. Now I just acknowledge them and mosey on my way.

I used to have a void that resonated in my soul, it was a haunting sound, a ghostly hollow. Now it is almost whole, a peaceful sound, a joy to follow.

I'm just saying.....

Explosion of blessings

Ok....So today is my birthday and so far it feels good to be 41. Funny how it really doesn't feel any different than yesterday. I have many blessings to account for this year.

First is the most important, my sobriety. Without that I have nothing.

My relationship with the God of my understanding.

My son Dylan, my relationship with him is out of this world, and he is my hero.

My true friends and because they are true friends, they know who they are.

My sponsor

My family and many other blessings.

For some reason today this event is weighing heavy on my heart and I know that talking about it will help. There is one reason that I am here today to be able to celebrate my 41st. His name is James. He is my true friend. He has given me a gift. A gift that I can only give back by paying it forward and that is what I try to do on a daily basis.

Thank you James

Today remember the blessings that you have in your life because that is what is important.

I'm just saying.....

Heading south towards number 41

I was thinking today about my birthday coming up in a few days and I thought that maybe I should study up on what the number 41 is really all about.

This is what I found:

It is the number of times Paul McCartney sings the phrase "Let It Be" in the Beatles hit song.

41 represents the 39 lashes Jesus received before the crucifixion, plus one for the spear in His side, plus one for the crown of thorns.

41 is the number of the last symphony of Mozart.

41 is a centered square number (whatever that means!) lol

41 is a natural number....kinda like I am a natural woman.....yea right.



These are the events that happened the year I was born:

Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated.

Robert Kennedy was killed.

The Civil Rights Act was signed by Lyndon B Johnson

NASA launches Appolo 7

The 1st Big Mac goes on sale at McDonald's for 49 cents.

Gas per gallon was 34 cents.

Minimum wage is $1.60 an hour.

I remember thinking that 41 was really old, when I was young.

Now I know that 41 IS REALLY young, even though I am old. lol

I'm just saying......