Beyond your belief!

When I first started on this journey 41 years ago, the road was smooth. It seemed paved with gold. The trees that lined the pathway were dripping in sunlight, my soul was full. It was pink in color, full of love and happiness.



Over the years, I would walk down lonely paths, paths that seemed to be dark, with cold rain hitting my face, the wind whipping my hair, and sounds that were haunting my soul. I kept trying to run, run towards the sunlight. The branches were reaching out, as if they had arms, arms that were winding around me with a tight grip. The path was moving, but moving in reverse so that I couldn't feel the warmth. I wandered around, lost, lonely, angry of where I was and who I became until I finally reached a body of water. On the other side of the water was the pathway, the sunlight, the love, the happiness. I tried to swim across... I swam fast as the other side kept whispering my name...like I belonged there. The voice was strong at first. but became weak as the days swept by. Every time I would try to cross the lake it would suck me in, drowning me. I couldn't breathe...it was all around me. The darkness engulfed me. I felt like I could never get away...never.

Until I heard a beautiful voice say...build...build. It was something so easy but I couldn't see it. I suspended my disbelief. I opened my eyes to see the truth. I would build a bridge, a bridge to get to the treasured side. The bridge was built over time with honesty, hope, faith, courage, integrity, willingness, humility, love, discipline, perseverance, spiritual awareness, and service.

I am starting to walk across. My legs are weak, my muscles ache, I can barely catch my breath...but I keep trying, I keep trying. I can see the gold, it is blinding my eyes, the sunlight is keeping me warm. I keep trying... I keep trying.

I get to the end of the bridge and see a set of steps...twelve steps that will get me to the treasured pathway. The one where my soul will be pink again, full of happiness. The one where I will feel arms around me, but they will be filled with love...love and peace. I want this, I want it so bad that I start to weep. I hear the voice say " I'm here, just try...just try". So I reach my foot out to put it on the 1st step, but I am terrified, terrified that I will fail, that I can't do it. I won't be able to reach the top. I'm too tired, too weak. Suddenly, I feel a hand, a hand that feels strong. It feels trusting. I grab on, with everything in me, I grab on.

As long as I keep holding the hand, I can take each step. I don't feel alone. I finally got to the top! I made it! It was warm, I covered my eyes in disbelief. I couldn't believe that this really existed. There is freedom here, freedom from the darkness.

May your journey be filled with treasures beyond your belief... beyond your belief.

I'm just saying...

Stop the Silence

The silence used to be soothing, it used to be comforting, it used to be mine. I swallowed it, I controlled it, I used it. Silence is a weapon, a weapon that I was not scared of. For once in my life, I was the one who made the decision, I was the one in Power, I was the one who controlled the switch. No one could tell me what to do with it, it was my choice, and I had lost the choice a long time ago, so it felt good.

Today, I realize that I was using the silence in the wrong way. Just like others who use weapons in a hurtful manner, I was doing the same. My silence showed others that this was the way to get through life, this was the way to survive, this was the way.

I was raped more than once after I turned 5. Sure, it was and still is the most humiliating, frightening, shameful, embarrassing, event that has ever happen to me. I live my life with nightmares and flashbacks. I live my life in fear. I live my life in shame.

However; after I stopped the silence, I live my life with shame but with my head held a little higher than before (I'm still learning). I live my life with a sense of belonging, I live my life with a sense of fear, not filled with fear.

I don't want to teach others that the way to healing is by putting your secrets in a box, locking the chains on it and wrapping the barb wire around and around until the denial sets in.

I used to be afraid to be in a relationship because I knew "he" would never understand, "he" would never want to be with me if he knew, "he" would think that I was damaged goods, "he" would realize that I was unlovable. I used drugs and alcohol so that I could be in that relationship. I used to want someone to rescue me, now I realize that what I have needed to do all along is rescue myself. The way to healing is by speaking out, helping others, and finding that someone who will listen.

I am no longer a victim, I'm a survivor.

I'm just saying......

****For your information****

1 out of 3 women will be sexually assaulted
Every 2 minutes a sexual assault occurs
April is Sexual Assault Awareness & Prevention Month
Please speak out!
STOP THE SILENCE!

Launch of the season for baseball, folks!

Tomorrow it all begins.

This day brings me such happiness.

I am completely obsessed with baseball and I am not afraid to admit it.
It renders me utterly powerless and yes, on occasion, my life becomes unmanageable because of it.

Baseball has brought so much to my life. When I was deep in my addiction with drugs and alcohol, it was something that I enjoyed. Now granted, it took a lot for me to actually enjoy an event at this time in my life, but this, I truly did. No matter how bad my nightmare was the night before, it was like the game just took it away. I got lost in the movement of the ball. I got lost in the action of the player. I got lost in something greater than myself. (there's a concept!)

I will need to work the 12 steps on baseball this season but in an edited way, perhaps. Lol

That's me, taking my will back.

Ok, first things first. Here is how I will apply the spiritual principals behind the steps to my addiction with baseball.

1. Honesty is the principal behind the 1st step.
I will be honest with myself and others as to how many games I will be watching.
(hint...all of them)

2. Hope is the principal behind the 2nd step.
I will have hope that the Minnesota Twins will continue on their journey all season to
win the American League Central Division Title.

3. Faith is the principal behind the 3rd step.
I will have faith that I can make meetings and watch games everyday!

4. Courage is the principal behind the 4th step.
I will have the courage to watch the hardships that we (Twins) have along the way.
Ripping my fingers away from my face as I cover my eyes in utter dismay.

5. Integrity is the principal behind the 5th step.
I will show integrity to Yankee and White Sox fans when we play each other.

6. Willingness is the principal behind the 6th step.
I will show willingness to show integrity to the Yankee and White Sox fans.
(I like this one better)

7. Humility is the principal behind the 7th step.
If all else fails, go back to step 6.
Progress not perfection, people!

8. Love is the principal behind the 8th step.
I will show all the love, everyday, to my Minnesota Twins!

9. Discipline is the principal behind the 9th step.
Oh.....let me tell you, I definately have this step down. I am very disciplined when it
comes to my boys.

10. Perseverance is the principal behind the 10th step.
I think we all know that I have enough spunk to make this all happen.

11. Spiritual Awareness is the principal behind the 11th step.
I will add the Minnesota Twins and of course, other selective teams, to my prayers and
meditation that I do on a daily basis.

12. Service to others is the principal behind the 12th step.
I will commit to carry the message to others that BASEBALL ROCKS, YA'LL!

**By the way, that pic up there is Joe Mauer, he's a hometown boy!** Love him!

IT'S OPENING DAY!!!

I'm just saying.....

Angels in Training

This is a story of two little angels who lost their souls long ago. Growing up Ruth and Sandie had lots of laughter together.....riding horses and Saint Bernard's, driving home-made go-carts, getting stuck in the creek, skipping rocks, riding bikes, cleaning the playhouse, making cookies with grandma, climbing trees, milking cows, making forts in the hay barn.



Then it changed. The day their innocence was lost. The bottom of the two little angels souls fell out and everything went dark. They no longer had smiles, they wore masks. Masks that didn't fit right, like they weren't the ones that they were suppose to be wearing. These masks carried fear, anger, resentment, self-pity, panic. There was no longer love available to see, the fog was starting to come in strong. That day happened over and over again until the two little angels became numb. Numb to the feeling of what life and love really is.



Confusion, pain, and self-loathing continued in their lives for years. Taking them to places they never knew existed. Addiction took over, trying to help them survive. Survive life. Nightmares, flashbacks, grief, abandonment overwhelmed them. No longer was it an easy task just to take a breath. They could feel the cold darkness touch their skin.

As they got older, one of these angels finally chose to talk about these days in the past, letting the pain and addiction out, and begin the process of healing. The mask is starting to come off, little by little. Sure, sometimes it goes back on but only for small periods of time, when she is really scared. God is there teaching her that the mask eventually has to come all the way off, at all times. He holds her hand and walks her through that fear, pushing the ghosts aside as they try to reach out to her.

The other angel wanted this new life so bad but God had a different plan for her. He thought that her work needed to start right away, up above with him. So he took her away a couple of nights ago and put her in training. She will be watching over all of the little angels now to let them know that they are not alone. Letting them know that we are all angels....angels in training.

I'm just saying.......

Laughter keeps me sane....or is it insane...well...whatever

This week has been something to write down in the ole blog. I have laughed every day. Laughed hard, ya know, the kind that is like : it's hard to breathe....your stomach hurts......your crying and you almost hit a car (or pedestrian) kind of laugh.

It all started with my friend (lets call her Healing Goddess Faery...aka Tinkerbell) thinking that I should have the nickname Cinderella. I know what your thinking! Stop! It could happen!

Anyways, I loved it and anticipated my prince (not the one from Minnesota....although...hmmmm.....nevermind) bringing my glass slipper and whisking me off my feet.

However, my fairy tale, will not be following the traditional one. Just like my life, we will be walking down the purple brick road (ummmm.....teensy bit different than the yellow one).

So I waited with high expectations for my prince to come, unfortunately I think he was in detox (it's my story), so he never showed. Then my friend (lets call him "I'm kinda a big deal!") suggested that I needed to be kissing frogs in order to find this so called prince. I thought to myself that this didn't really turn my pumpkin into a chairiot (if ya know what I mean), so I got some help. Let's just say, there was fried chicken involved.

Still.....no prince......(I know..... its hard to understand why).

Back to scrubbing floors. As I wiped the smudges off my face from cleaning the tires on my van, the power to make a decision, came from inside me. No! I do not have to hold this distinction, it is just too much pressure. I can't handle it. Stepmothers, stepsisters, mice, pumpkins, kissing frogs, fried chicken, losing slippers, scrubbing floors....uffda!

So, my friend (lets call her " Czarina Supreme of the Jewel East Coast & Florida Chapter Liaison" aka Faery Godmother) flys down here to save the day. She says "Girl, get off your knees and be the Goddess you were meant to be".

As she laid her magic wand upon my old and decrepit body, I turned into the woman that I always wanted to be......Goddess of the van, down by the canal, in the recovery compound.

***To all you ladies out there who are waiting for your prince, this is the easier softer way.***

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent***

I'm just saying.....

A Helping Hand

Ask....and you shall receive.

My wants and needs sometimes seem earth shattering.

• I want the pain to abandon me.
• I want the nightmares to turn into dreams.
• I want the fear to climb out of my soul.
• I want the resentments to be lifted.

I want....I want.....I want

• I need the pain in order to grow.
• I need the nightmares in order for the dreams to be a blessing.
• I need the fear to show me what is in my soul.
• I need the resentments to remind me to be patient, loving, and tolerant.

I need.....I need.....I need

I want a helping hand......NO!

I need a helping hand......YES!

I'm just saying.......

Obsession

Where do I start? Today has not been a good day. First things first, my sponsor has some major things going on in her life which may lead to me not having a sponsor and I'm scared. I become obsessed with the fear.

This girl at work today shows up with a broken leg. I am talking with her and commenting on how well she is doing with the pain and how hard it was for me, the first couple of days. She says "Oh, I'm on Vicodin!" I couldn't breathe, I found myself obsessing about it all day. It made me soooo angry at myself. Why am I having these thoughts? I have been sober for almost a year. What am I doing wrong?

Then I have a roommate who is moving back in, now this roommate, has in the past, been mean to me. She has said very hurtful things to me and frankly, I don't want to live with her. So, I become obsessed with trying to avoid the situation.

It's like all of those feelings came back. Feelings of not being loved, feelings of losing everything that I have gained, feelings of loneliness, feelings of dispair, feelings of ungratefulness, feelings of hate for myself, feelings of hate for my rapist, feelings of hate for my family. Do I really hate these people, places, and things? No, I honestly don't, but my disease (dis-ease) tells me that I do. It haunts me and knows just when my soul is at its weakest and then it strikes, like a sword, straight through my heart.

I feel the butterflies in my stomach, I want to run away from all my problems. I want to bury my head in my hands, I want to forget everything, I want to use. However, today I know that I have a choice. I can give in to that obsession and feed it everything it wants or I can stand up for myself and say NO! I am not going to do this. I am going to do everything in my power to not use. I am going to call supports, I am going to pray to the God of my understanding, I am going to go to a meeting, I am going to not isolate, I am going to journal (blog) about how I am feeling. I am going to walk through these ugly, horrible, scary, overpowering, feelings and realize that just for this moment I don't have to use. I can get through this, right? RIGHT!

I'm just saying.....

Fear

My disease is crying out in the middle of the night for some attention. The haunting sounds are scary, they remind me of what once was. I fear that if I give it attention it will grow and if I ignore it, the bottom of my soul will give way letting it seep through my body. My knees are starting to quiver, my hands they shake, my heart races as I close my eyes. This is the moment that I realize that I (little old me) has the POWER to open my eyes, face the fear, put my arms out and let the sunshine rush in, overpowering those thoughts, turning darkness into light.

I'm just saying.....

Life in my hands

Today I was thinking that I am proud that I have my life in my hands. I used to give it freely away. Letting others make my decisions for me, pleasing everyone instead of me, using my disease and health as a crutch.

My relationship with God has made me so much stronger. He carries me over the bumps and cracks in the road. Grandma always said he would and I am very grateful that I finally see that on a daily basis.

There are ghosts that stop by every now and then to visit. Now I just acknowledge them and mosey on my way.

I used to have a void that resonated in my soul, it was a haunting sound, a ghostly hollow. Now it is almost whole, a peaceful sound, a joy to follow.

I'm just saying.....

Explosion of blessings

Ok....So today is my birthday and so far it feels good to be 41. Funny how it really doesn't feel any different than yesterday. I have many blessings to account for this year.

First is the most important, my sobriety. Without that I have nothing.

My relationship with the God of my understanding.

My son Dylan, my relationship with him is out of this world, and he is my hero.

My true friends and because they are true friends, they know who they are.

My sponsor

My family and many other blessings.

For some reason today this event is weighing heavy on my heart and I know that talking about it will help. There is one reason that I am here today to be able to celebrate my 41st. His name is James. He is my true friend. He has given me a gift. A gift that I can only give back by paying it forward and that is what I try to do on a daily basis.

Thank you James

Today remember the blessings that you have in your life because that is what is important.

I'm just saying.....

Heading south towards number 41

I was thinking today about my birthday coming up in a few days and I thought that maybe I should study up on what the number 41 is really all about.

This is what I found:

It is the number of times Paul McCartney sings the phrase "Let It Be" in the Beatles hit song.

41 represents the 39 lashes Jesus received before the crucifixion, plus one for the spear in His side, plus one for the crown of thorns.

41 is the number of the last symphony of Mozart.

41 is a centered square number (whatever that means!) lol

41 is a natural number....kinda like I am a natural woman.....yea right.



These are the events that happened the year I was born:

Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated.

Robert Kennedy was killed.

The Civil Rights Act was signed by Lyndon B Johnson

NASA launches Appolo 7

The 1st Big Mac goes on sale at McDonald's for 49 cents.

Gas per gallon was 34 cents.

Minimum wage is $1.60 an hour.

I remember thinking that 41 was really old, when I was young.

Now I know that 41 IS REALLY young, even though I am old. lol

I'm just saying......