Stop the Silence

The silence used to be soothing, it used to be comforting, it used to be mine. I swallowed it, I controlled it, I used it. Silence is a weapon, a weapon that I was not scared of. For once in my life, I was the one who made the decision, I was the one in Power, I was the one who controlled the switch. No one could tell me what to do with it, it was my choice, and I had lost the choice a long time ago, so it felt good.

Today, I realize that I was using the silence in the wrong way. Just like others who use weapons in a hurtful manner, I was doing the same. My silence showed others that this was the way to get through life, this was the way to survive, this was the way.

I was raped more than once after I turned 5. Sure, it was and still is the most humiliating, frightening, shameful, embarrassing, event that has ever happen to me. I live my life with nightmares and flashbacks. I live my life in fear. I live my life in shame.

However; after I stopped the silence, I live my life with shame but with my head held a little higher than before (I'm still learning). I live my life with a sense of belonging, I live my life with a sense of fear, not filled with fear.

I don't want to teach others that the way to healing is by putting your secrets in a box, locking the chains on it and wrapping the barb wire around and around until the denial sets in.

I used to be afraid to be in a relationship because I knew "he" would never understand, "he" would never want to be with me if he knew, "he" would think that I was damaged goods, "he" would realize that I was unlovable. I used drugs and alcohol so that I could be in that relationship. I used to want someone to rescue me, now I realize that what I have needed to do all along is rescue myself. The way to healing is by speaking out, helping others, and finding that someone who will listen.

I am no longer a victim, I'm a survivor.

I'm just saying......

****For your information****

1 out of 3 women will be sexually assaulted
Every 2 minutes a sexual assault occurs
April is Sexual Assault Awareness & Prevention Month
Please speak out!
STOP THE SILENCE!

Launch of the season for baseball, folks!

Tomorrow it all begins.

This day brings me such happiness.

I am completely obsessed with baseball and I am not afraid to admit it.
It renders me utterly powerless and yes, on occasion, my life becomes unmanageable because of it.

Baseball has brought so much to my life. When I was deep in my addiction with drugs and alcohol, it was something that I enjoyed. Now granted, it took a lot for me to actually enjoy an event at this time in my life, but this, I truly did. No matter how bad my nightmare was the night before, it was like the game just took it away. I got lost in the movement of the ball. I got lost in the action of the player. I got lost in something greater than myself. (there's a concept!)

I will need to work the 12 steps on baseball this season but in an edited way, perhaps. Lol

That's me, taking my will back.

Ok, first things first. Here is how I will apply the spiritual principals behind the steps to my addiction with baseball.

1. Honesty is the principal behind the 1st step.
I will be honest with myself and others as to how many games I will be watching.
(hint...all of them)

2. Hope is the principal behind the 2nd step.
I will have hope that the Minnesota Twins will continue on their journey all season to
win the American League Central Division Title.

3. Faith is the principal behind the 3rd step.
I will have faith that I can make meetings and watch games everyday!

4. Courage is the principal behind the 4th step.
I will have the courage to watch the hardships that we (Twins) have along the way.
Ripping my fingers away from my face as I cover my eyes in utter dismay.

5. Integrity is the principal behind the 5th step.
I will show integrity to Yankee and White Sox fans when we play each other.

6. Willingness is the principal behind the 6th step.
I will show willingness to show integrity to the Yankee and White Sox fans.
(I like this one better)

7. Humility is the principal behind the 7th step.
If all else fails, go back to step 6.
Progress not perfection, people!

8. Love is the principal behind the 8th step.
I will show all the love, everyday, to my Minnesota Twins!

9. Discipline is the principal behind the 9th step.
Oh.....let me tell you, I definately have this step down. I am very disciplined when it
comes to my boys.

10. Perseverance is the principal behind the 10th step.
I think we all know that I have enough spunk to make this all happen.

11. Spiritual Awareness is the principal behind the 11th step.
I will add the Minnesota Twins and of course, other selective teams, to my prayers and
meditation that I do on a daily basis.

12. Service to others is the principal behind the 12th step.
I will commit to carry the message to others that BASEBALL ROCKS, YA'LL!

**By the way, that pic up there is Joe Mauer, he's a hometown boy!** Love him!

IT'S OPENING DAY!!!

I'm just saying.....