Stop the Silence

The silence used to be soothing, it used to be comforting, it used to be mine. I swallowed it, I controlled it, I used it. Silence is a weapon, a weapon that I was not scared of. For once in my life, I was the one who made the decision, I was the one in Power, I was the one who controlled the switch. No one could tell me what to do with it, it was my choice, and I had lost the choice a long time ago, so it felt good.

Today, I realize that I was using the silence in the wrong way. Just like others who use weapons in a hurtful manner, I was doing the same. My silence showed others that this was the way to get through life, this was the way to survive, this was the way.

I was raped more than once after I turned 5. Sure, it was and still is the most humiliating, frightening, shameful, embarrassing, event that has ever happen to me. I live my life with nightmares and flashbacks. I live my life in fear. I live my life in shame.

However; after I stopped the silence, I live my life with shame but with my head held a little higher than before (I'm still learning). I live my life with a sense of belonging, I live my life with a sense of fear, not filled with fear.

I don't want to teach others that the way to healing is by putting your secrets in a box, locking the chains on it and wrapping the barb wire around and around until the denial sets in.

I used to be afraid to be in a relationship because I knew "he" would never understand, "he" would never want to be with me if he knew, "he" would think that I was damaged goods, "he" would realize that I was unlovable. I used drugs and alcohol so that I could be in that relationship. I used to want someone to rescue me, now I realize that what I have needed to do all along is rescue myself. The way to healing is by speaking out, helping others, and finding that someone who will listen.

I am no longer a victim, I'm a survivor.

I'm just saying......

****For your information****

1 out of 3 women will be sexually assaulted
Every 2 minutes a sexual assault occurs
April is Sexual Assault Awareness & Prevention Month
Please speak out!
STOP THE SILENCE!